Could this be the beginning?

We had the worlds LONGEST winter last year.
I don't mean weather wise...
I mean cold and flu season wise!

It was awful...
If you were following us since last winter, you will remember Hudson was hopitalized 3 times in a very short time frame...November (right after Halloween) December (right before Christmas) March (when Hailey turned 6)
All 3 were E.R runs and were due to flu or the common cold...both can easily take Hudson's life.

So...
I dread the cold/flu season this year...DREAD it!

Hudson is still coughing thick yellow goop and it has been over a week.
I instantly started him on antibiotics and the nasal spray antibiotic for the major infection he had in the nasal cavity last time he sounded like this.
He sounds awful...awful, awful!!!

One night I was getting very worried about his breathing. It was very coarse and very fast, and this was while he was sleeping. It freaks me out. Between the cold and the way he sounds I get up in the morning praying he is breathing peacefully, and the cough is gone. I am thankful as he gets through each day when he has the common cold. It is a very scary existence.

I started thinking about how great he sounded and did in Vegas. I even have been wondering if it wouldn't hurt to see an allergist.  However,if it was allergies, I wouldn't have gotten slammed with a cold and cough too...yeah, it's been a pretty rough couple of days. Yesterday I finally started feeling better and today I am coughing a little less.

Why, oh why does it take Hudson so long to get over a cough? I just don't get it. I hate seeing him like this and as I said before it is making seizures worse.

I canceled his home based P.T. yesterday.
The picture above was yesterday before she was suppose to come. 
Not only is he so sad and pathetic looking cuz he's sick,
but if your thinking that chair has got to go...I realize this!
He is too big and it is a typical booster and lets face it...I need to let it go...
and I will...
as soon as someone brings me something else to sit him upright in!

So after last winter I am just feeling really apprehensive about heading into another one.
Lets not forget...
last winter I had my husband here, he was still working out of WA...
this year just me, myself and I....
and the combo is just causing some major anxiety!

5 minutes worth watching

getting back up

this has kind of been my anthem recently...
you know how somw songs and their lyrics just hit you at the right time and place in life and you can totally relate?

I touched on it a little a few posts back...

I do feel like I have been knoocked down a bit.
Probably much of it self-inflicted.

Apart from Jesus, I am a train wreck...seriously. I could not be living this life I am and keeping sane if I did not have my faith that this is merely a snap-shot in time, that this whole earthly life is just me making my way to Jesus ...in how I live, act towards others...
ultimately pursuing a relationship with God through my daily living.

However...
it is not to say I haven't recently been questioning so much of what my life has been made up of...
a lot of pain
a lot of suffering and heart ache

what is the purpose in all of this?

To be honest, as I shared before, I have been feeling bitter and angry...

when is my miracle going to happen for Hudson?
why do others see miracles unfold before them while I witness my child suffer without end?
why are my family circumstances as such?

I believe being away from my home church for over 2 months has definitely help me wander like a child away from her Father.
I also think I have been doing a lot of "why me" thinking, and I definitley feel the enemy pouncing on its prey...me...
it has really been an opportunity to fill my head with lies and steer me off the path I want and choose to be on.

I am happy to say I made it to church today.
There were a series of events that took place to have
not gone...

Hudson woke at 5a.m. and never fell back asleep, even after bringing him in my bed until 7 a.m. I finally put him back in his crib after the 2 hours of trying to get him to sleep, so I could get a little more sleep.

I also have been pretty sick...a cold, but enough to feel icky and tired, not wanting to do much of anything, much less get all 3 kids out the door by 10:40 a.m. on a Sunday.

But I did, and then got to church where I found out our head pastor, Mark Driscoll, would not be preaching and campus pastors were preaching instead.
Lets just say the campus pastors preaching leaves me looking at my phone, thinking about the day, messing with Hudson...I even texted my husband during his sermon!

I could have easily walked out...but I didn't.
And there was some good points made, but I am just not engaged like I am when Mark preaches.

I also could have made my exit complete when I fed Hudson during the sermon, and I kid you not, I knew this was going to happen, just because I knew every effort would be made in sabatoging me worshiping, praying, serving...
Hudson was pooping in his drawers instantly after I fed him.
I purposely left my bible on my seat and left with him and headed to the car. It was all over his pants and up his tummy because he was sitting in his stroller. Another one of those moments! So I change him, and look in the diaper bag and thankfully had a pair of shorts (clearly from Vegas days) that actually matched his outfit. I couldn't figure out after wiping him clean and preparing to dress him, how he got more poo on his toes...
I looked down on me and yellow poop was smeared against my black shirt(from picking him up out of the stroller) and his foot kicked my shirt getting poop on it! So I took wipes and wiped me down too. Thankfully I was wearing a blazer so I sorta just made sure stains weren't revealed.

I headed back to church.
I prayed.
took communion
worshiped...

it felt amazing.

Tonight I decided to listen to some Driscoll clips from sermons I have missed over the summer....God was speaking to me through his word...

I need to trust Jesus.
No matter if I get my miracle or not...
I need to go back to a Father who loves me and never stopped...
I am sure He is frustrated with me and my wandering...
I know I would be if my child wandered from me, stopped talking to me...

but like the song says, I am getting back up again...

I will go back to church on Sunday
I will start talking to God
praying more...

I did pray for God to soften my heart to those who recieve their miracles or to those whose prayers always seem to get answered ....
I don't like feeling bitter or jealous or angry...
I know with His grace I can change those things within...
apart from Him...those feelings will only grow and spread like wild fire.

I find Gods timing on things impecable...(except his timing for Hudson...but hey I am trying to work on that!)

as I drove to church this morning, I got a call from my husband.
He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was on my way to church...
he told me he had just left an Acts 29 Church (mars hill helps plant these)and he was pretty fired up. His navigation system failed to get him there, and he didn't know how he found it...God lead him I am sure. It was his first time back to church since he left in February for Vegas.

He can't wait for next Sunday...he told me so...

It is so hard to live life not living it for self...wanting the easy road, the perfect marriage, the perfect kids, the grand house, a bank load of money...all the luxuries that come with tons of cash...

it is hard...really hard...

but in the end none of it matters...none of those things can be made perfect, and we all know money can't buy happiness or true security...

I realize my trust, and security belong to Jesus. Only He can provide what I need in this lifetime to survive the here and now...

sleep

this morning...now, as I type!

Oh how I love my sleep...good sleep.
I don't get much of  that really deep, hard sleep...don't remember the last time it felt that good.
My guess...
before Hudson.

I was a typical kid who hated to go to sleep, and now as a grown up, it is my favorite time of day...
the only "me" time I get and usually it results in me not making it through a t.v. show that I was hoping to watch...
my eyes just get too heavy. I try so hard...to watch big people t.v....cuz it is my only opportunity...exhaustion usually wins, and I fall asleep.

Now...
I am not going to complain about sleep and lack of it (because there are too many of you out there that  function on NO sleep) I just function on interrupted, just "o.k." sleep.

The interrupted sleep.....

Well, that would be my newly 9 year old son who has sleep terrors and sleep walks.
It FREAKS me out!
It happens in clusters....nights of interrupted sleep by him walking in my room, standing over me (the freaky part) pacing, talking and making no sense...he can do this several times in one night. Days in a row. He never remembers any of it, and asks me in the morning if he slept walk.

The terrors;
he runs out of his bedroom screaming....and I wake up to thinking someone is mascaraing my son.
It is a horrible way to wake, and makes it even harder to fall back asleep once he is settled.
All of this has been a common occurrence over the last 3 months.
When he was a toddler he would have night terrors and just sit up in his bed screaming and you would have to shake him, pour water on him, just to snap him out of it...so it evolving ...doesn't really surprise me.

Hailey for the most part sleeps well. She used to wet her bed alot, and would wake me for that, but it has been months since I have had to deal with that.

Hudson...
that is part sleep interrupted and partially why I just sleep o.k.

I have always been very grateful, that for the most part Hudson is a good sleeper. Mito kids typically sleep or don't sleep...one extreme or the other. Hudson definitely fits in the sleep category (praise God)
However....
there are things that will keep him awake, probably just like any other kid...

not feeling well
teeth
too hot or cold
a preference (?)...

since we have been home Hudson has been a little more restless at night. I have noticed he is not falling a sleep as quickly. Could have to do with seizures (lack there of) or the fact he has also been "sleeping in" lately.
Last night I believe he was trying to communicate with me.
He typically goes down around 9:30.
Last night he woke me at 11:30. No crying, just making lots of noise, kicking, etc. I went in and put his light show and music on and he quieted.
!:30 a.m. loud shout outs, kicking his blankets...I chose to ignore after checking him on the monitor.
Didn't work...still loud.
Went in there and turned his light show and music on and he quited, until it was over and then started yelling, I believe, for me!
Let me just say...I HATE sleeping with my kids. That is the one thing I like to do alone. I don't want to hear thumb sucking (Hailey) snoring (Hudson and Hailey) I don't want to be kicked or have an arm fling across me (all 3 H's)...I just like my space in my bed...with no one else around (except my husband of course)

But last night I knew Hudson was going to continue and I would get no sleep anyways...
so, one last time I got up, changed his diaper, and put him in my bed, and within minutes....
he was snoring! He never woke again.
I think he just wanted in MY bed! Could it be he was yelling just to get me to give in and scoop him up?

I really don't want this to become a habit...
BUT I also look at his beautiful face and feel grateful I have him to scoop up and that he finds so much comfort with me. One day I may look back and wished I slept with him more.
Then it makes me start thinking about getting him a bed....
maybe he just wants a big bed with down comforters and down pillows...

can you see him in there? Looks good, huh?

Well, sleep interrupted one last time when Hailey came in my room and said the bunk bed was dripping water on her head!?!?!? By this point...I told her to grab a sleeping bag and sleep on the floor...I was DONE getting up. I think she was dreaming...she was fast asleep where she always is when I get her up for school, in bed!

There is always a bit of anxiety...
when you have a sick child, whose health can change quickly, I don't think you ever allow yourself to fall into a really deep sleep. There seems to be a mechanism in the brain always hyper aware of *Hudson noises*

The night before last, I had all 3 H's in my bed....
Hunter slept walk 2times and when he woke he asked me how he got in my bed.
Hailey woke because Hunter wasn't in the room with her so she came in mine and Hudson woke at 5a.m. and I figured what the heck...what's one more...and again, he fell asleep instantly one in my bed!

It is hard to believe Hudson and is trying to communicate the only way he knows how but it is the only explanation for why he settles down instantly, and stays asleep.

I am hoping we can get into an uninterrupted sleep pattern soon.
Just one night with...

decent sleep...like 8 hours...
 uninterrupted, solid sleep....

sounds sooo good.



I do need a good sleep...
I did get a bit of Hudson's cold...
sore throat and slightly stuffy nose, sneezing...feel tired... just simply coldish.

Tonight Hailey is sleeping over at a friends...
just me and the boys...
 I think it will be movie night, Hunter's choice, in my bed and lights out early!!!