Anxiety over big H....little H is fine

I woke at 2a.m. tossing and turning....
I would never want Hunter to know I am as anxious about him leaving for scout camp as he is.
This is a kid who loves to sleep...loves his mommy...and loves his home. He is not a fan of sleepovers with friends...he is sort of an "old soul" in many ways.

Last night I prayed over him, and for his week ahead. He had tears in his eyes as I kissed him goodnight, and he said "I am going to miss you so much mommy"

I got weepy too, but held it back. I told him he will have a blast, and reminded him it is 5 days out of his entire life....5 days!

He has never been away from home, without family for 5 days. He did a campout over night with the scouts....1 night, and he was exhausted and so happy to be home....all I could think and wonder is how in the world will he handle 5 days???

So yeah...I am a bit anxious about 5 days without my boy....
they have a schedule, and he has his buddies, and they will be super busy earning badges, and getting dirty, and swimming and just being boys....
He obviously couldnt take his cell phone, but his leader is well aware of our situation, and that Hunter lost his daddy 7 months ago, and that their is anxiety about being away from home. He made it clear Hunter would be able to call me if he needed me for any reason.

So this morning, he is off....
and no tears were shed when we said goodbye...he was with his friends and he was so excited to begin his adventure...

and of course the mom I am...I was the last one standing there, waiting for them to load in the cars, to say my goodbyes....


Friday night camp ends with dinner and ceremonies...however I will be picking Hunter up early, after breakfast, and then bring him home to shower and get clean clothes, and then I have to meet my brother and his fiance, where they are taking Hunter and Hailey to Sunnyside WA, to hang on the farm and lake for the weekend.....

So it is just me and little H next weekend...

and my good friend from Lake Chelan may trek up here to hang out with me for a girls weekend. Although I am a little worried....I have trouble keeping up with that girl! :)

Hudson.....sweet Hudson is holding his own. We make no progress, but we are sort of just in this holding pattern. I won't complain. We have managed to stay out of the hospital for 2 months now, which is a wonderful thing. His seizures remain daily...some days are worse than others, but he is having far less than he was a year ago. He remains gunky, and I still go nowhere without his suctioning equipment.
He has ESY this summer for P.T. so he goes in clinic once a week and then his school PT comes to the house once a week.
He is such a trooper...
I have been really insanely busy with house stuff...making changes that really disrupt life....Hudson gets pushed aside often as I get wrapped up in things around here. He is always so good...not demanding....such an angel....I am truly blessed. I know he could be way more difficlut, and needy....and he is just not. Being a single parent to 3, and one sick child....I could go out of my mind....but my kids are pretty amazing,and I feel very lucky.

I had some workers in my home last week, and when they were done with their job, they left saying that they are in many homes, and see many kids, and they thought my kids were the most well behaved, well mannered kids they had seen. What a compliment!!!
For the most part they are....but they do have their moments, especially the sibling bickering....
but I was pretty proud to hear such an observation....I guess I am doing something right! :)



Many times I second guess how I am doing, given all the trials and circumstances...I feel spread so thin...I am pulled in so many directions...I worry I don't give the kids enough of my time, I worry about Hudson getting pushed aside, or the other 2 getting pushed aside because of Hudsons needs. It is all such a balancing act, and at times can feel like too much for one person to have to balance...

but when someone compliments my kids, especially strangers....it boosts my mom confidence a bit.
Love my kids, I pray for them, and pray God directs me on how to mother well.

I will take prayers for this upcoming week....that Hunter has a blast at camp, and my worries and fears subside...I am trusting in the Lord to bring me peace.



***************

It's 10:30ish, and a sobbing Hunter just called me and says he can't bare the thought of spending another night away from home, which means i will pick him up tomorrow. I should have known not to attemp this...but had to let him try.
My heart breaks for my boy tonight....bless his heart.

Closing out June

It has been a really busy month, as it is for most.

School Ended....

Kids last day of school

Goodbye's to wondeful teachers....

And I have to brag, I am one proud mamma...
In spite of a very diffcult past 6 months, Hunter made Honor Roll all 4 quarters, and Hailey had straight A's all year. (There is no "honor roll" in 2nd grade)
They both worked hard, and both teachers told me how kind they are and what good friends they are to their peers. They too were impressed how well they have adjusted in spite of what life brought us.

Life long friends

We upheld our tradition, and celebrated the end of the year out to lunch with friends.

This month also brought three birthdays....

sending our ballons and birthday cards to heaven

Katelyn and Fred share the same birthday, but this was an extra special birthday because Kate turned the big 2-1!!!!!!

In this pic...Hailey, Katelyn, Sandi (mom), Fred, Adrianne (Fred's daughter) Isac (Adrianne's boyfriend) Me, Hunter, and Hudson in stroller.

It was alot of fun to see Kate have a glass of red wine...I had one with her :)


The highlight of June was a rare day in the making...totally not planned, but everything aligned perfectly and 3 of my very closest friends in the world came together on a Saturday evening to hang with me, and give cheers to Kate turning 21, and another great friend, who happens to be my friends husband, had a birthday too ....YOWZERS...did we have some fun!

BF, BF's husband,me, Fred, BF, Kate

I felt like the luckiest girl in the world having all 3 with me in one night.....

My 2 local bf's starting the evening with me

Then my 3rd bf strolled in..coming from the Chelan area

We were having some serious FUN!

This tavern is the best place in our own little town of Gig Harbor....so fun!


We end this month, crossing the mountains and heading out of town, for a week long stay in Lake Chelan. We planned it right before school got out and it was a big suprise for the kids the last day of school....

How was the month for Hudson????

He managed to stay out of the hospital in spite of catching his brother and sisters cold...

Every day we do lots of suctioning, and coughing, and seizures are there....but about the best they could be for little H....

His May birthday

He had his first botox injection in his salivary glands...I think we need to try a bigger dose and sedate him for the next round.

I am hopeful that the dry, Eastern WA heat will dry him out....we are all in need of some sun!

Looking forward to our getaway as we head out tomorrow...ready to create some fun, new memories with my family.....a happy early 4th of July to all!

How God simply amazes me...

I am completely in awe how God always knows what I need and when....

Today is a very difficult day...today is my husbands birthday.

I had no intention of coming here and writing...I had and have no intention of sharing anything that is so painful and hard...BUT, I can't help but share how Gods providence, how his unfailing love touches me, how he know what I need in the exact moment....it is so beautiful how He works.

You see...I left it up to the kids how they would want to honor their dad today. They decided to make cards and write letters to him when they got home from school...of course it made me cry reading there words to their daddy. We decided we would attach these letters to a balloon and send them up to heaven. Both kids said it is too painful to go to the cemetery, so we will do it here, in our backyard.


I too wrote some words to my husband on what would have been his 45th birthday today.
When I finished I sat at and cried (just minutes ago)
As my tears fell, I decided to delete a bunch of emails that were starring at me as my inbox was way too full.
Many emails I will delete without even opening...I was hitting the check mark one after another to be deleted. I had checked the following email that was delivered in my inbox today,on his birthday, and then I decided to uncheck it and open it up and read it, and this is what it said.....



Blessed are those who mourn, for they
will be comforted.
( Matthew 5:4 *NIV )
Dear Debbie,
When you lose someone that you love, take comfort in
knowing that those who were saved are now with God. For
it is written that when we die; The dust returns to the
ground it came from, and the spirit returns to
God who gave it. ( Ecclesiastes 12:7 )

Therefore; Brothers, we do not want you
to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or
to grieve like the rest of men, who have no
hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again
and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus
those who have fallen asleep in Him, at the end
time. ( 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 )

So Debbie, take comfort in knowing you will see them
again, for it isn't the end of them but only the beginning! The
beginning of a much better life where; He will wipe
every tear from their eyes. There will be no
more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away."
( Revelation 21:4 )

Now I would like to share something with you that has
helped many who have lost someone. It is called "Safely
Home." I pray that it will minister to those of you who
have lost a dear one.

SAFELY HOME

I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.

All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I an now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.

Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! But Jesus' love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.

And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?

Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still:
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will.

There is work still waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth--
You shall rest in Jesus' land.

When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home;
Oh, the pleasure of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!

*TEARS*
Isn't God an awesome, comforting, loving God?

This has brough me peace tonight...thank you Jesus!



************************

Prayer warriors....please keep H in your prayers....he is sick again, and I am not sure how long I can avoid the hospital. I am doing my best to treat him here as tomorrow is Hunter and Hailey's last day of school and I have things planned for them....please lift Hudson in your prayers to get through this illness without hospitalization...

A Birthday Letter

Dear Hudson,
Wow buddy...five years we have shared together...in some ways it has flown by, and in other ways it has feels like we have been together forever!

You have taught me so much...about myself, love, strength in the midst of weakness, God's grace...you have opened my eyes to the things that truly matter, and have made me realize each day is a gift.

I could have never imagined when I found out you were so sick, that there would be a day I would be able to sleep again, not be consumed with worry, not cry, not feel anxious, not question everything and mourn for all that was no longer....if I had to rely on myself and my strength to travel through this with you, I would have never survived this. I would never survive the hospital stays, the meds, the pokes, the tube feeds, all the cries that I can't fix....
YOU have taught me to rely completely on God...to lay my fears, my anxieties, the sadness and place at his feet....to trust, to be stripped away from all the dreams I had for you and come to a place where I know Gods plans are so much greater than mine.
You are a teacher, you are on mission...you preach to others in your silence, in your determination and fight.... in your  faith....Yes, you are the most faithful little boy I know....you never take your own path, you never wander...
your always living your life in the light of Jesus, you are breathing and it gives Him glory...how amazing you are...

Hudson, if I could take this disease away I would....if I could spare you the suffering, I would. If any child on this earth deserves a miracle of healing, you would be in the front of the line. But who am I to argue with Gods plans??? 
I am so, so proud to be called your mom. To care for you, and feel your unconditional love for me. Thank you for always fighting the good fight...for mustering up unbelievable strength in your weakest of days. You deserve a big red cape, with a large S...you are my superhero.

I pray that your fifth year of life brings some really great things for you...I hope you know how much your family loves you and how much I personally admire you. It is an honor to be called your mom...i absolutely adore you!

Tonight when we close our eyes and blow out your candles together, my greatest wish for you will be the same wish I have wished every year....
 I will never stop believing in miracles...and then I will just sit and be thankful that we have had this time together, and pray for a great year ahead.

I love you my sweet baby boy...always keep your eyes on Jesus as you glorify Him in this life.

All my love,
Mommy