Facing my Fears means Trusting

I have had my share of fear facing in one life time.
As a parent, I can't think of anything worse than finding out your child is not only sick, but suffers at the hands of an incurable disease. It is the most helpless feeling not being able to help your child, communicate with your child, mend what ails them....and honestly, with time it doesn't get any easier, it is just a painful reality daily.

 The more I want to and tend to hold on to Hudson with white knuckles, is when I realize I really have to lay him at the feet of Jesus... over and over again....
I must trust He who created him...and pray Hudson's time here on earth is carved out longer than this disease allows him to live.  That had not been an easy place to come to and I am not sure I am fully there....but the fear of having a sick child and the fear of outliving your child, can be paralyzing. I choose not to be paralyzed with fear...I think for much of Hudson's time here so far I have been numb with fear....fear of how I can care for him as he grows, fear of what pains him, fear of loosing him one day...fear creeps in often, and the enemy can and will pounce on vulnerability....
I choose Jesus, not fear.

So much of Hudson's life is out of my control....
I choose to replace my fears with trust...
I am going to trust God has a plan with Hudson, I am going to trust that His love for Hudson surpasses all the love I have for him, I choose to trust in the plan God has for today and will  not worry about tomorrow.
Many days I have to repeat these thoughts in my head...because it is so easy to find myself worried, and blanketed in fear. I have to remind myself how big God is and how perfect His plan is and how imperfect mine are.

The state of WA has a huge Whooping Cough outbreak. I am not sure if other states are experiencing what we are, but it is bad here. I probably wouldn't be paying much attention to the epidemic if it weren't for Hudson. It has been seeded in the back of my head for some time now...none of my kids are vaccinated (worry) What happens if Hudson gets this? (worry) Do I need to vaccinate? (worry)

More worry...whooping cough has hit 2 of my best friends...
I found out a friend of mine who lives in Eastern WA, who was here for a visit, both her kids were confirmed whooping cough cases at the beginning of summer. Then just a week ago my neighbor and good friend got it....now she thinks her husband may have it. I know it is hard on a healthy person to endure....what happens to Hudson if he gets it????(worry, worry, worry)

So, the nagging at me lead me to call the mito nurse. She confirmed it is imperative Hudson, Hailey, and Hunter get the vaccination. Anybody who is in contact with him should be newly vaccinated. There is the belief that those who were vaccinated years ago, the vaccine may not have been strong enough, which is why it is spreading.
Yesterday we all got vaccinated, my mom and Kate did as well. I am asking anyone who we are in contact with often to get vaccinated. The kids will go back to school soon and it will be a whole new set of worries and exposure. Hudson has to have a series of vaccines because of his age, so he is not fully protected right now.
Whooping cough attacks the respiratory system. Hudson has many strikes against him, and as I was reminded, this virus kills healthy babies.

What more can I do?

I trust...
I will pray that God will blanket Hudson in protection, that His plan is greater than mine. That any fear will subside knowing God is in control, and He will bring me peace.

I remind myself how God is in control and has shown me time and time again of this...

I was told if Hudson got Swine Flu, he could die....lots of fear...and he did get it, and clearly survived....and actually got through it fairly easy...praise God!

A few months back he got RSV....another one that can be life threatening, especially for children like Hudson...he survived....praise God!

Yes, God has a plan for my super hero....I know Hudson is here to serve Him, to encompass Gods love and goodness and to spread that here on earth...
I thank God for him, for his mission, for giving me such an angel boy who is teaching me life lessons....I will pray for his mission to be a long one, that no whooping cough epidemic will touch my boy....I pray, I do my best to protect, and I trust. God is in control.

Be Strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6

A sigh of relief...

After 2 nights of nursing Hudson and staying awake suctioning,etc , I am happy to report he did not need hospitalization. He rebounded quite well actually...he still is coughing and bringing up alot of mucous, but he is sleeping peacefully through the night...and now so am I too.

Many thanks to all of you who faithfully pray for our family.

little H is not fine...

he is sick :(

I thought it might be fatigue, due to our 1 day heat wave which was yesterday as it hit the 90's and I don't have an air conditioned house....
but my mom does, and Hudson made a go of it there, but at 2 a.m. he had never quite fallen asleep and was struggling significantly.
I took him home, cranked the O2 with the mask and suctioned him all night. He hit the mid 70's at his lowest O2 levels. Finally at 6a.m. he fell asleep, and now he has been steadily sleeping and sating in the mid 90's.
There is a all time high rate of whooping cough in our state...that weighed heavily on my mind as he was coughing and choking on thick mucous through the night.

Oh the joys of being a single mom and juggling it all...the fragility of one, and the "can't dissapoint" of the other two....
(thankfully my mom is always here to help!)

Praying this does not end up in the hospital...
both my kids are at day camp all week, and I need to be home for them. I won't know how serious this is until Hudson wakes....

I am desperate for prayer for my angel.

Anxiety over big H....little H is fine

I woke at 2a.m. tossing and turning....
I would never want Hunter to know I am as anxious about him leaving for scout camp as he is.
This is a kid who loves to sleep...loves his mommy...and loves his home. He is not a fan of sleepovers with friends...he is sort of an "old soul" in many ways.

Last night I prayed over him, and for his week ahead. He had tears in his eyes as I kissed him goodnight, and he said "I am going to miss you so much mommy"

I got weepy too, but held it back. I told him he will have a blast, and reminded him it is 5 days out of his entire life....5 days!

He has never been away from home, without family for 5 days. He did a campout over night with the scouts....1 night, and he was exhausted and so happy to be home....all I could think and wonder is how in the world will he handle 5 days???

So yeah...I am a bit anxious about 5 days without my boy....
they have a schedule, and he has his buddies, and they will be super busy earning badges, and getting dirty, and swimming and just being boys....
He obviously couldnt take his cell phone, but his leader is well aware of our situation, and that Hunter lost his daddy 7 months ago, and that their is anxiety about being away from home. He made it clear Hunter would be able to call me if he needed me for any reason.

So this morning, he is off....
and no tears were shed when we said goodbye...he was with his friends and he was so excited to begin his adventure...

and of course the mom I am...I was the last one standing there, waiting for them to load in the cars, to say my goodbyes....


Friday night camp ends with dinner and ceremonies...however I will be picking Hunter up early, after breakfast, and then bring him home to shower and get clean clothes, and then I have to meet my brother and his fiance, where they are taking Hunter and Hailey to Sunnyside WA, to hang on the farm and lake for the weekend.....

So it is just me and little H next weekend...

and my good friend from Lake Chelan may trek up here to hang out with me for a girls weekend. Although I am a little worried....I have trouble keeping up with that girl! :)

Hudson.....sweet Hudson is holding his own. We make no progress, but we are sort of just in this holding pattern. I won't complain. We have managed to stay out of the hospital for 2 months now, which is a wonderful thing. His seizures remain daily...some days are worse than others, but he is having far less than he was a year ago. He remains gunky, and I still go nowhere without his suctioning equipment.
He has ESY this summer for P.T. so he goes in clinic once a week and then his school PT comes to the house once a week.
He is such a trooper...
I have been really insanely busy with house stuff...making changes that really disrupt life....Hudson gets pushed aside often as I get wrapped up in things around here. He is always so good...not demanding....such an angel....I am truly blessed. I know he could be way more difficlut, and needy....and he is just not. Being a single parent to 3, and one sick child....I could go out of my mind....but my kids are pretty amazing,and I feel very lucky.

I had some workers in my home last week, and when they were done with their job, they left saying that they are in many homes, and see many kids, and they thought my kids were the most well behaved, well mannered kids they had seen. What a compliment!!!
For the most part they are....but they do have their moments, especially the sibling bickering....
but I was pretty proud to hear such an observation....I guess I am doing something right! :)



Many times I second guess how I am doing, given all the trials and circumstances...I feel spread so thin...I am pulled in so many directions...I worry I don't give the kids enough of my time, I worry about Hudson getting pushed aside, or the other 2 getting pushed aside because of Hudsons needs. It is all such a balancing act, and at times can feel like too much for one person to have to balance...

but when someone compliments my kids, especially strangers....it boosts my mom confidence a bit.
Love my kids, I pray for them, and pray God directs me on how to mother well.

I will take prayers for this upcoming week....that Hunter has a blast at camp, and my worries and fears subside...I am trusting in the Lord to bring me peace.



***************

It's 10:30ish, and a sobbing Hunter just called me and says he can't bare the thought of spending another night away from home, which means i will pick him up tomorrow. I should have known not to attemp this...but had to let him try.
My heart breaks for my boy tonight....bless his heart.