thanks for crossing fingers, toes, prayers said...
he didn't get on the 2:40, but he get on the 3:20, which was nothing short of a miracle.
All the SA's from the 2:40 transfered over and the flight was showing 8 open seats and 16 SA's...
when I got the text he was on I was floored!
Let the weekend begin....2 more hours and daddy is home!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Emotions running high
Paul is suppose to come home tonight.
Suppose to...because he is flying space available and the flights are tight...and worse tomorrow!
Up until now he used miles, those are all used up. I bought a couple Alaska passes from my brother
at about $36.00 one way....the catch...space available!
Just worry I will have 2 sad kids if he doesn't make that 2:40 flight this afternoon.
Sunday comes way too fast and it has been since Easter the kids have seen him.
There were many tears last week. Mostly Hailey. Which hits hard for me because I don't know the father/daughter bond. I just know a girl needs her daddy and I didn't have mine because he was taken way too early.I was 3.
So it is heart breaking to see her fall apart, at the sound of her Daddies voice over the phone, knowing how badly she misses him. Paul gave her his business card with his cell# on it and told her to call anytime. She has never used it. We usually pass the phone when I talk to him.
When a therapist was over last week working with Hudson, Hailey had diappeared.
Not realizing she had been upstairs for awhile, I heard her come down the stairs, she walked over to me, buried her face in my lap, and started bawling. I had no idea what was going on. I asked if she was hurt, and she said no, picked her tear stained face up put off my lap and cried " I miss my daaaddy!" and threw her head back down and resumed her sobbing. I couldn't figure out why out of the blue she was so emotional over this...I know this happens when she talks to him. That is when she told me she used his card and called him.
She has been doing it alot since last week. Picks the phone up to call him, without me knowing.
I think we need to set up skype when he is here. Thinking it may help if they see him, like he is in the room with them.
I have a mom-looser confession. I feel horrible. The kids had their award assembly at chapel yesterday. The school does it for each quarter. I work on Wednesday's from 9-12. If there is a special happening at chapel, I will wake up really early to get all of us out the door so I can catch chapel and race off to work. When Hunter was awarded, the teacher told me ahead of time. I was there for him, had the camera and video camera...I picked up the kids form school and Hailey said she got an award as she piled in the car. My heart sank. I knew nothing of it. Seal of Distinction from her K teacher. For these kids it's a big deal.
I asked Hailey if she knew she was getting it and she said no. Then she said " I am a dummy!"
What? She was mad at herself because her teacher put a folded piece of paper in her back pack and told her to give it to me....She forgot...I never got it :(
Hailey was crying calling herself a dummy. I tried to "fix" things with hugs and kisses and a celebratory dinner out. Which started making Hunter feel bad. I reminded him he got his award 1st quarter. Spirits brightened when my brother surprised all of us when he walked up to our table at the restaurant and sat down.
He drove up from Portland.
The kids emotions can make me crazy at times. handling my own is hard enough, and they are much like me with sensitivity and crying easily.
Another Hailey moment this week...
I had folded laundry and asked Hunter and Hailey to take their piles to their room and put their clothes away.
I said I would take Hudson's. Hailey sadly said..."I wish Hudson could use his legs and put his own clothes away."
Her wheels are always spinning. She is a bright little girl.
I worry my decision in keeping the kids here will cause resentment. I hope they grow up knowing I tried to do what was best for all 3 of them. I had this conversation with my mom a few days ago. She talked sense into me, she made me realize I am doing the best for them, and that they know and feel my love. I don't know how long this "season" will last, so we must continue one day at a time.
As this week ends....May begins. Hudson's birthday month. That will be another post...many, many I am sure, as I work through those emotions. School district meetings. What to do for his birthday.
Emotions running high....
but for today...
looking forward to the flow of happy emotions as we are together as a family this weekend!
PLEASE LET PAUL GET ON THAT 2:40 FLIGHT!!!!!! fingers and toes are crossed!!!
Suppose to...because he is flying space available and the flights are tight...and worse tomorrow!
Up until now he used miles, those are all used up. I bought a couple Alaska passes from my brother
at about $36.00 one way....the catch...space available!
Just worry I will have 2 sad kids if he doesn't make that 2:40 flight this afternoon.
Sunday comes way too fast and it has been since Easter the kids have seen him.
There were many tears last week. Mostly Hailey. Which hits hard for me because I don't know the father/daughter bond. I just know a girl needs her daddy and I didn't have mine because he was taken way too early.I was 3.
So it is heart breaking to see her fall apart, at the sound of her Daddies voice over the phone, knowing how badly she misses him. Paul gave her his business card with his cell# on it and told her to call anytime. She has never used it. We usually pass the phone when I talk to him.
When a therapist was over last week working with Hudson, Hailey had diappeared.
Not realizing she had been upstairs for awhile, I heard her come down the stairs, she walked over to me, buried her face in my lap, and started bawling. I had no idea what was going on. I asked if she was hurt, and she said no, picked her tear stained face up put off my lap and cried " I miss my daaaddy!" and threw her head back down and resumed her sobbing. I couldn't figure out why out of the blue she was so emotional over this...I know this happens when she talks to him. That is when she told me she used his card and called him.
She has been doing it alot since last week. Picks the phone up to call him, without me knowing.
I think we need to set up skype when he is here. Thinking it may help if they see him, like he is in the room with them.
I have a mom-looser confession. I feel horrible. The kids had their award assembly at chapel yesterday. The school does it for each quarter. I work on Wednesday's from 9-12. If there is a special happening at chapel, I will wake up really early to get all of us out the door so I can catch chapel and race off to work. When Hunter was awarded, the teacher told me ahead of time. I was there for him, had the camera and video camera...I picked up the kids form school and Hailey said she got an award as she piled in the car. My heart sank. I knew nothing of it. Seal of Distinction from her K teacher. For these kids it's a big deal.
I asked Hailey if she knew she was getting it and she said no. Then she said " I am a dummy!"
What? She was mad at herself because her teacher put a folded piece of paper in her back pack and told her to give it to me....She forgot...I never got it :(
Hailey was crying calling herself a dummy. I tried to "fix" things with hugs and kisses and a celebratory dinner out. Which started making Hunter feel bad. I reminded him he got his award 1st quarter. Spirits brightened when my brother surprised all of us when he walked up to our table at the restaurant and sat down.
He drove up from Portland.
The kids emotions can make me crazy at times. handling my own is hard enough, and they are much like me with sensitivity and crying easily.
Another Hailey moment this week...
I had folded laundry and asked Hunter and Hailey to take their piles to their room and put their clothes away.
I said I would take Hudson's. Hailey sadly said..."I wish Hudson could use his legs and put his own clothes away."
Her wheels are always spinning. She is a bright little girl.
I worry my decision in keeping the kids here will cause resentment. I hope they grow up knowing I tried to do what was best for all 3 of them. I had this conversation with my mom a few days ago. She talked sense into me, she made me realize I am doing the best for them, and that they know and feel my love. I don't know how long this "season" will last, so we must continue one day at a time.
As this week ends....May begins. Hudson's birthday month. That will be another post...many, many I am sure, as I work through those emotions. School district meetings. What to do for his birthday.
Emotions running high....
but for today...
looking forward to the flow of happy emotions as we are together as a family this weekend!
PLEASE LET PAUL GET ON THAT 2:40 FLIGHT!!!!!! fingers and toes are crossed!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Relationships/Friendships
I have learned through having a sick child....
Relationships change.
Friendships change.
For those of us who have a sick child, we know the added stress and pressure it can place on a marriage.
The divorce rate is something like 80-90% when a child has a diagnosis.
It can be devastating.
It also can change the dynamics of friendships and relationships...
people who you thought you could lean on.... abandon you
those who you thought couldn't handle your "new normal" become your rock...
strangers on similar paths become your closest friends and family.
For me personally...
I have experienced so many changes with my relationships and friendships with others since Hudson came into our lives as a sick baby.
I said goodbye to a childhood friend. A friend I grew up with, a friend that we dreamed as little girls of moving to CA and raising our kids together and them being best friends like we were. We had always kept in contact no matter where we lived...when I was finishing highschool she was in Arizona, when I was in Chicago she was in Seattle...then finally 12 years ago I move back to Seatlle and we start having babies and would get together occasionally, and I realized we had both changed a lot. Not a bad thing, just we were two totally different people as adults. When Hudson became sick, it became evident to me I did not need the added stress of maintaining a friendship with someone who cared only about themself and I what I could give to them. It was a one-way friendship. She never saw Hudson once he became "ill" she never came to be with me, help me, or be a "shoulder" I had to say good-bye...and I did.
I also had friendships that become null and void once Hudson was sick.
Friends that I saw and spoke to on a weekly basis...that just seemed to disapear once it was evident we had a sick child to care for. I am not sure why this happened. I am not sure if some are just uncomfortable with the fact that our world was rocked to the core, that life took a turn for us, and some friends didn't know what to say or do, so they just "went away." I do think about it though, and wonder. Obviously not the greatest of friends.
Which leads me to this....
you sort of find out in crisis who your "true" friends. There are those who make it very easy to walk away from, and when they have walked away from me...well, I don't need them!
I also had friends through this that have become like a "rock"
They never change
They are their for me...to talk with, lean on, cry with, laugh with...
They don't disappear
They don't treat you or your sick child or your family any different...
They are the same solid friend you knew before this crisis...
and the crisis just cemented that.
I recently got thrown for a loop...
A friend of mine, someone I have considered to be very good friend of mine, opened her heart to me about her feeling about Hudson.
I never saw it coming. I don't fully understand it. I am trying.
She reads my blog and I asked for permission to share.
I have changed names to keep it anonymous.
This is the email I received.......
Friend
It is heart breaking for me to know that Hudson's journey has questioned your faith in God. My hope in Hudson and my family having to endure any of this, is that our path would lead others to God. That Hudson brings glory and shows truly how amazing God can be, and is. That others would learn through our journey and how Hudson has actually strengthened my relationship with God.
I have seen the face of God in many situations because of Hudson.
I don't want Hudson or anyone in my family to be looked at and feel pity by others, especially my friends.
That is what I sense from you and your email.
It has taken me 2 years to become a bit stronger in this. I wish Hudson didn't have this incurable disease. I wish I could take it and he could be whole. I cry alot...more than I ever knew possible.
Reality is he is sick. Why? I don't know. A total fluke.
But God makes no mistakes and he is no mistake.
When we spoke last night and we were talking about Jason's premature birth and you talked about the chance that he could have had brain damage, and you said the words..."his life would suck" that hit hard with me. I have been thinking about that all day. You were very lucky Jason turned out healthy, but would you have pitied him if he knew life another way? A brain injury can happen to a perfectly healthy person through an accident. God forbid you would know someone in your life that sustained life altering circumstances later in life...how would you handle that? There are no guarantees in life. We all have to endure hardships in this life. I pray you or nobody I know would have to endure the hardship of having a sick child, it is hardest on the heart of a mother. As a mom we fight for our kids, and love them endlessly no matter what ailments come our way.
And yes, at many times this road has sucked...a lot...but if I allow God to turn it for good as he promises, how can it suck?
He is working through our circumstances...and that doesn't suck...not at all!
To know Hudson is to know a living angel. When I look in his eyes, I see the face of God staring back at me...he has gifted me life lessons that you may never understand.
I feel blessed to be his mom. He is a gift. He is perfect. Maybe not to society's standards...but in my book, he is just as perfect as Julie...he is a sick child but he is perfect.
No he is not running or playing with our kids. He has been cheated out of a "childhood"
but he doesn't know any different...only we do.
Hudson is a great teacher. He is a little lover. He is a fighter. He is strong and mighty...and he has a sermon to preach every day he is here living his life.
I hope one day you can "hear" that sermon, witness his preaching.
I don't think you truly know him. I understand your fears and your not knowing how to handle him. He is just a little baby boy and he needs to be treated with love and understanding and the only way you can do that is by getting to know him. I really think your fear of Hudson has stood in the way to appreciate who he is and getting to know this living angel.
My life has not been easy. I lost my Dad at a very young age, I was mistreated by several step-father's, I had to grow up very fast for many reasons. I get married, have babies and one is catastrophically ill. My husband gets relocated and I am essentially alone, doing it all....alone. I have many reasons to turn my back on God....BUT....I know I am the person I am because Jesus is walking me through all of these situations in my life. I do not have the strength to endure any of this by myself....God sees me through every day, every moment, even when I think I am at my max...he sees me through.
If I didn't have God...pity me.
Don't get me wrong....I have questioned much of why I have had to go through a fraction of what many endure. I don't have answers. I have always put it back on myself....I must deserve this life, I must be a really bad person, I must be a sinner that deserves this sentence....in spite of knowing all this, I also know God does not wish bad on his people. This is not His doing, but the result of a fallen world, and Heaven will be just that...HEAVENLY...and that is where I will be one day...with a whole Hudson, exactly the way God intended.
My world includes some truly amazing parents that have a "Hudson" in their life. There are many, many "Hudson's" out there, and you don't know because you are not in this circle. These people are my life line...they "get it"...they are my heroes!
I don't expect you to get it. You are a friend that just witnesses the pain and suffering I go through having a sick child, you see all the things he is not doing, you see the sadness, and heartache, and I am sure your mommy heart is what aches for me because you can't imagine going through my daily walk.
Trust me....I did not sign up for this. I am not capable.
I am also not worthy to be loved unconditionally the way Hudson loves me.
The way he looks in my eyes with peace and contentment when in my arms.
I don't deserve and am unworthy to be a mother to this living angel.
There are so many gifts he gives me in spite of his illness and because of his illness.
I am coming to realize...in many ways...Hudson has brought me to a deeper relationship with God, He most recently has saved and strengthened my marriage, he has taught his brother and sister to embrace and love those who are sick and are different, he has brought my mom to Jesus, he has brought others in to my life that I consider to be an honor to walk such a path with and who are my personal heroes. He has given me so much clarity.
In 21/2 years, aren't those many gifts to be handed out through such a small boy?
So please....no pity, no guilt....
all I ask is that you don't live with regrets. I would hate that you would regret that you were so caught up in your sadness, guilt and pity, that you never took the time to know the Hudson that I know.
The gift that he is, the sermon that he preaches.
I appreciate your honesty...you know I have always liked that about you.
I hope you can appreciate my honesty too.
Your Friend....Deb
After this email was recieved by my friend we talked...we cried...and I had to abruptly end the conversation as I was late to Hudson's PT appointment.
I am still very shaken by this. One of the reasons I am sharing is because it is my "therapy"
I need to let God take care of this. I feel it is out of my hands.
Amother reason to share is because I never imagined this was how one of my friends, whom I often see and get together with, was feeling this way about HUdson. I wonder if any other friends of mine are holding back feelings, too afraid to share with me.
I have never wanted people to stop coming to me for prayer, or for my shoulder to lean on, or any need a friend provides, because of the fact that I have a sick baby and my plate is somewhat full. I still need to be a friend to others...I am the same friend I was before. I don't want to suck the life out of others with all that is going on in my life, I feel I have always tried to be aware and let others know to come to me...friendship is a 2 way street no matter what the circumstances.
So I am emotionally fried...
this is part of a email after our talk....
I feel as though there has been dirt in a wound and I am in the process of picking it out and healing it. It hurts but it is getting better. I hope you know how much I value you as my friend and the thought of losing our friendship would be so painful. I feel confident that we can move through this and that God is doing a work here in the process. Thanks for being so open to hearing my struggle and being willing to hang in there with me in the process.
ME...
Like I said...
*Things will be fine with me and my friend, and I am glad it is out in the open and dealt with!
Relationships change.
Friendships change.
For those of us who have a sick child, we know the added stress and pressure it can place on a marriage.
The divorce rate is something like 80-90% when a child has a diagnosis.
It can be devastating.
It also can change the dynamics of friendships and relationships...
people who you thought you could lean on.... abandon you
those who you thought couldn't handle your "new normal" become your rock...
strangers on similar paths become your closest friends and family.
For me personally...
I have experienced so many changes with my relationships and friendships with others since Hudson came into our lives as a sick baby.
I said goodbye to a childhood friend. A friend I grew up with, a friend that we dreamed as little girls of moving to CA and raising our kids together and them being best friends like we were. We had always kept in contact no matter where we lived...when I was finishing highschool she was in Arizona, when I was in Chicago she was in Seattle...then finally 12 years ago I move back to Seatlle and we start having babies and would get together occasionally, and I realized we had both changed a lot. Not a bad thing, just we were two totally different people as adults. When Hudson became sick, it became evident to me I did not need the added stress of maintaining a friendship with someone who cared only about themself and I what I could give to them. It was a one-way friendship. She never saw Hudson once he became "ill" she never came to be with me, help me, or be a "shoulder" I had to say good-bye...and I did.
I also had friendships that become null and void once Hudson was sick.
Friends that I saw and spoke to on a weekly basis...that just seemed to disapear once it was evident we had a sick child to care for. I am not sure why this happened. I am not sure if some are just uncomfortable with the fact that our world was rocked to the core, that life took a turn for us, and some friends didn't know what to say or do, so they just "went away." I do think about it though, and wonder. Obviously not the greatest of friends.
Which leads me to this....
you sort of find out in crisis who your "true" friends. There are those who make it very easy to walk away from, and when they have walked away from me...well, I don't need them!
I also had friends through this that have become like a "rock"
They never change
They are their for me...to talk with, lean on, cry with, laugh with...
They don't disappear
They don't treat you or your sick child or your family any different...
They are the same solid friend you knew before this crisis...
and the crisis just cemented that.
I recently got thrown for a loop...
A friend of mine, someone I have considered to be very good friend of mine, opened her heart to me about her feeling about Hudson.
I never saw it coming. I don't fully understand it. I am trying.
She reads my blog and I asked for permission to share.
I have changed names to keep it anonymous.
This is the email I received.......
I hope you had fun at your mom’s tonight. Thanks again for a fun time last night and yummy dinner!!
Today Julie asked a lot about Hudson. She wanted to know when he would grow up and run. I finally “came clean” with her and explained that he is sick (like always sick) and that we don’t know if he will ever run. She had a lot of questions and it was hard for her. Tonight in bath, she was caring for her baby (one that goes in the tub). She was cradling the baby and told me it was Hudson and that he is sick like Miss Devvy’s baby. I prayed for plastic Hudson to be all better. Later I asked if Hudson was ok now and she said “No, he’s still sick”. Sadly, I felt like she got it.
I think I haven’t shared many of my feelings about Hudson with you because I still remember the night at the wine tasting when he kept crying and I just broke down at the injustice of it all. I have been afraid of letting you see how painful his situation is for me. I don’t want to make your burden worse and certainly, I feel kind of silly talking about how his illness affects me who does nothing for him while I watch you suction him, hold his hand through seizures and live with a double shelf of medicines adorning your kitchen counter.
Yet I feel that God is doing some work on my heart regarding this and it is getting more painful in the process. I felt led to share this stuff with you. I realize that you blog about all of your ups and downs regarding his illness and it seems fair to share this stuff with you.
I have had a sort of crisis in faith because of Hudson. I guess the fact that we carried those babies at the same time. Watching my perfect baby girl pass him up and join up with the older kids. Regretting all of the little classes, everything that would have been ours to share with these kids. The guilt I feel every time you ask me about her school, etc. Watching you tear up at that carnival yesterday during his seizure as the other kids ran free in a place made to make kids happy. Yet, can he feel happiness?
The worry I felt when I picked him up yesterday and his cry got worse. Feeling so inept. Regretting making even one moment of his tough little life harder.
The difficulty I have in going to God with the requests of my kids, my family, my self, anyone sick when Hudson is not being healed. Knowing that he committed no sin and was born to this. Knowing that the rest of your life will be hard caring for him or missing him if he goes.
I
I don’t know if any of this makes sense and I pray it doesn’t make things harder because it’s the last thing I’d want is to add to your burden. But, I know we are really close and I felt it was important to share this stuff with you.
Julie is sleeping with plastic Hudson tonight.
I hope the real Hudson feels the love she sends and that I feel for him. Sorry I haven’t been able to express it better. I am so raw about this at times, it is hard for me to get close and not lose it and I haven’t wanted to put that on you.
I am so thankful that you’ve been able to maintain our friendship in spite of having to see Julie develop without Hudson doing the same. I am inspired by your faith and so glad to be your friend.
Love,
My Response........
I read your email and felt sad. I read it again and cried. I read it several times after that and felt the need to respond.It is heart breaking for me to know that Hudson's journey has questioned your faith in God. My hope in Hudson and my family having to endure any of this, is that our path would lead others to God. That Hudson brings glory and shows truly how amazing God can be, and is. That others would learn through our journey and how Hudson has actually strengthened my relationship with God.
I have seen the face of God in many situations because of Hudson.
I don't want Hudson or anyone in my family to be looked at and feel pity by others, especially my friends.
That is what I sense from you and your email.
It has taken me 2 years to become a bit stronger in this. I wish Hudson didn't have this incurable disease. I wish I could take it and he could be whole. I cry alot...more than I ever knew possible.
Reality is he is sick. Why? I don't know. A total fluke.
But God makes no mistakes and he is no mistake.
When we spoke last night and we were talking about Jason's premature birth and you talked about the chance that he could have had brain damage, and you said the words..."his life would suck" that hit hard with me. I have been thinking about that all day. You were very lucky Jason turned out healthy, but would you have pitied him if he knew life another way? A brain injury can happen to a perfectly healthy person through an accident. God forbid you would know someone in your life that sustained life altering circumstances later in life...how would you handle that? There are no guarantees in life. We all have to endure hardships in this life. I pray you or nobody I know would have to endure the hardship of having a sick child, it is hardest on the heart of a mother. As a mom we fight for our kids, and love them endlessly no matter what ailments come our way.
And yes, at many times this road has sucked...a lot...but if I allow God to turn it for good as he promises, how can it suck?
He is working through our circumstances...and that doesn't suck...not at all!
To know Hudson is to know a living angel. When I look in his eyes, I see the face of God staring back at me...he has gifted me life lessons that you may never understand.
I feel blessed to be his mom. He is a gift. He is perfect. Maybe not to society's standards...but in my book, he is just as perfect as Julie...he is a sick child but he is perfect.
No he is not running or playing with our kids. He has been cheated out of a "childhood"
but he doesn't know any different...only we do.
Hudson is a great teacher. He is a little lover. He is a fighter. He is strong and mighty...and he has a sermon to preach every day he is here living his life.
I hope one day you can "hear" that sermon, witness his preaching.
I don't think you truly know him. I understand your fears and your not knowing how to handle him. He is just a little baby boy and he needs to be treated with love and understanding and the only way you can do that is by getting to know him. I really think your fear of Hudson has stood in the way to appreciate who he is and getting to know this living angel.
My life has not been easy. I lost my Dad at a very young age, I was mistreated by several step-father's, I had to grow up very fast for many reasons. I get married, have babies and one is catastrophically ill. My husband gets relocated and I am essentially alone, doing it all....alone. I have many reasons to turn my back on God....BUT....I know I am the person I am because Jesus is walking me through all of these situations in my life. I do not have the strength to endure any of this by myself....God sees me through every day, every moment, even when I think I am at my max...he sees me through.
If I didn't have God...pity me.
Don't get me wrong....I have questioned much of why I have had to go through a fraction of what many endure. I don't have answers. I have always put it back on myself....I must deserve this life, I must be a really bad person, I must be a sinner that deserves this sentence....in spite of knowing all this, I also know God does not wish bad on his people. This is not His doing, but the result of a fallen world, and Heaven will be just that...HEAVENLY...and that is where I will be one day...with a whole Hudson, exactly the way God intended.
My world includes some truly amazing parents that have a "Hudson" in their life. There are many, many "Hudson's" out there, and you don't know because you are not in this circle. These people are my life line...they "get it"...they are my heroes!
I don't expect you to get it. You are a friend that just witnesses the pain and suffering I go through having a sick child, you see all the things he is not doing, you see the sadness, and heartache, and I am sure your mommy heart is what aches for me because you can't imagine going through my daily walk.
Trust me....I did not sign up for this. I am not capable.
I am also not worthy to be loved unconditionally the way Hudson loves me.
The way he looks in my eyes with peace and contentment when in my arms.
I don't deserve and am unworthy to be a mother to this living angel.
There are so many gifts he gives me in spite of his illness and because of his illness.
I am coming to realize...in many ways...Hudson has brought me to a deeper relationship with God, He most recently has saved and strengthened my marriage, he has taught his brother and sister to embrace and love those who are sick and are different, he has brought my mom to Jesus, he has brought others in to my life that I consider to be an honor to walk such a path with and who are my personal heroes. He has given me so much clarity.
In 21/2 years, aren't those many gifts to be handed out through such a small boy?
So please....no pity, no guilt....
all I ask is that you don't live with regrets. I would hate that you would regret that you were so caught up in your sadness, guilt and pity, that you never took the time to know the Hudson that I know.
The gift that he is, the sermon that he preaches.
I appreciate your honesty...you know I have always liked that about you.
I hope you can appreciate my honesty too.
Your Friend....Deb
After this email was recieved by my friend we talked...we cried...and I had to abruptly end the conversation as I was late to Hudson's PT appointment.
I am still very shaken by this. One of the reasons I am sharing is because it is my "therapy"
I need to let God take care of this. I feel it is out of my hands.
Amother reason to share is because I never imagined this was how one of my friends, whom I often see and get together with, was feeling this way about HUdson. I wonder if any other friends of mine are holding back feelings, too afraid to share with me.
I have never wanted people to stop coming to me for prayer, or for my shoulder to lean on, or any need a friend provides, because of the fact that I have a sick baby and my plate is somewhat full. I still need to be a friend to others...I am the same friend I was before. I don't want to suck the life out of others with all that is going on in my life, I feel I have always tried to be aware and let others know to come to me...friendship is a 2 way street no matter what the circumstances.
So I am emotionally fried...
this is part of a email after our talk....
I feel as though there has been dirt in a wound and I am in the process of picking it out and healing it. It hurts but it is getting better. I hope you know how much I value you as my friend and the thought of losing our friendship would be so painful. I feel confident that we can move through this and that God is doing a work here in the process. Thanks for being so open to hearing my struggle and being willing to hang in there with me in the process.
I spent a bunch of time today looking at your blog and those connected to you, the mito awareness video, etc. It was good.
I really felt that God wanted me to open up to you about the journey I am on with this and after our call today, I was worried that I’d blown it with you. Anyway, I love you and hope that I did the right thing. I really regret the pain I caused. I remember when Jason was in the hospital how absorbed I got in the “preemie world” and how no one else really understood our situation. I know I will never really get it the way your IS/mito buddies do. I pray that I can come to know and love Hudson deeper and that this struggle will be a strengthener of faith and friendship in the end.
Yesterday was a very rough, emotional day for me...I spent much of the day in tears.
I feel like I need time with all of this.
I'll be honest...I don't fully understand how Hudson is like an open wound for you. I also don't understand how this doctor you have been talking about has anything to do with me and Hudson.
I have worked so hard trying to get past my feelings of wanting to alienate myself from you because of the pain of seeing Julie and Hudson in one room...I have worked through it for the sake of our friendship, and felt good about getting myself through this painful reality, feeling like I was working through it pretty well.
I have been taken by surprise how you feel about Hudson. I honestly just don't get it.
You are right, I don't need added pain, added tears, added worries. I feel the need to apologize but not even sure why.
Time heals all wounds. I think we both need time to process whatever it is that is going on here. I hope when you have a bit more clarity you can explain all of this better, but for now I will let God do his work on you, and I am going to try and not worry about how Hudson has affected you...I just can't.
Know I am not mad, or in any way ending our friendship....
just confused and need time, and don't really want to talk about it anymore...it's just too much!
I feel like I need time with all of this.
I'll be honest...I don't fully understand how Hudson is like an open wound for you. I also don't understand how this doctor you have been talking about has anything to do with me and Hudson.
I have worked so hard trying to get past my feelings of wanting to alienate myself from you because of the pain of seeing Julie and Hudson in one room...I have worked through it for the sake of our friendship, and felt good about getting myself through this painful reality, feeling like I was working through it pretty well.
I have been taken by surprise how you feel about Hudson. I honestly just don't get it.
You are right, I don't need added pain, added tears, added worries. I feel the need to apologize but not even sure why.
Time heals all wounds. I think we both need time to process whatever it is that is going on here. I hope when you have a bit more clarity you can explain all of this better, but for now I will let God do his work on you, and I am going to try and not worry about how Hudson has affected you...I just can't.
Know I am not mad, or in any way ending our friendship....
just confused and need time, and don't really want to talk about it anymore...it's just too much!
Like I said...
with this post...I let it go...giving it to God to unravel....
I do cherish my friends.
There are friends for a Reason. Friends for a Season. Friends for a Lifetime.
I think when you cross a "bridge" such as I have...
a "bridge" that brings a sick child in your life...
you can never look back....
only ahead.
Some friends chose not to cross that bridge with me.
Some friends crossed that bridge and never looked back.
Some friends are hesitant to cross that bridge, and in a sense "white knuckling" it.
I had no choice...
this bridge brought a new chapter in my life...
I can only move forward
and know that those relationships and friendships God brought into my life for a lifetime will choose to move forward with me.
My husband said it perfectly...
to truly know Hudson is an honor and privilege...he is such a gift!
*Things will be fine with me and my friend, and I am glad it is out in the open and dealt with!
Friday, April 23, 2010
In a "nut-shell"
I am overwhelmed sitting here thinking about updating the past week, so I am going to try and do a super
brief update and just hit on the main events....
First and foremost...
*we got the house!!!! We signed Monday and I flew out that night getting me home Tuesday at 12:30 a.m.
It was bittersweet....I got used to the idea of my husband coming home with me after leaving his job and Vegas behind...but God had other plans...and so after tears shed, coming to grips that life marches on as it has been, we have a vacay home...and it is perfect!
*The day after I flew to Nevada, my mom had Hudson at the Pediatrician. The "gunk" came back!
When I got home, I was shocked at how bad he sounded, but after lots of deep suctioning he sounds better.
Is it possible to get a cold and be on antibiotics? He is still on Augmentin, but he sounds wheezy, coughing and has thick yellowish mucous he is coughing up...AGAIN!!!!
I can only chalk it up as a cold...the Peptamin Jr, seemed like it was making a difference for the better, could it be making him worse??? Any input...greatly appreciated!
*I realized in one year, Hudson's become more medically fragile...his health can deteriorate in hours, and I don't think I will ever be able to leave him for 5 days again...ever...a night, maybe...not for days! Too much responsibility for anyone...not to mention the stress and worry.
*My mom did an amazing job with all my kids...I think she was ready to see me come home and resume my "job" after 5 days! Kudos to you mom!
*I need to get my kids to Vegas...I am praying somehow...by the Grace of God...Hudson will be good to take down from July through August. I can't leave him here with anyone...I can't. To come up with a do-able game plan is my goal over the next few month. I know I will have to drive. I know I will have to have a game plan with Dr. S, I know Hudson has to have a "healthy" streak before leaving.
*Seizures are still there. Some days better than others, but have seen a decrease in tonics, although yesterday he had 4! He is still having I.S., and single spasms...they SUCK!
*My husband and I had a wonderful few days together....falling in love all over again is fun....amazing what distance does to the heart...like I said...bittersweet!
So that is it in a nut-shell....more to come this weekend.....
brief update and just hit on the main events....
First and foremost...
*we got the house!!!! We signed Monday and I flew out that night getting me home Tuesday at 12:30 a.m.
It was bittersweet....I got used to the idea of my husband coming home with me after leaving his job and Vegas behind...but God had other plans...and so after tears shed, coming to grips that life marches on as it has been, we have a vacay home...and it is perfect!
*The day after I flew to Nevada, my mom had Hudson at the Pediatrician. The "gunk" came back!
When I got home, I was shocked at how bad he sounded, but after lots of deep suctioning he sounds better.
Is it possible to get a cold and be on antibiotics? He is still on Augmentin, but he sounds wheezy, coughing and has thick yellowish mucous he is coughing up...AGAIN!!!!
I can only chalk it up as a cold...the Peptamin Jr, seemed like it was making a difference for the better, could it be making him worse??? Any input...greatly appreciated!
*I realized in one year, Hudson's become more medically fragile...his health can deteriorate in hours, and I don't think I will ever be able to leave him for 5 days again...ever...a night, maybe...not for days! Too much responsibility for anyone...not to mention the stress and worry.
*My mom did an amazing job with all my kids...I think she was ready to see me come home and resume my "job" after 5 days! Kudos to you mom!
*I need to get my kids to Vegas...I am praying somehow...by the Grace of God...Hudson will be good to take down from July through August. I can't leave him here with anyone...I can't. To come up with a do-able game plan is my goal over the next few month. I know I will have to drive. I know I will have to have a game plan with Dr. S, I know Hudson has to have a "healthy" streak before leaving.
*Seizures are still there. Some days better than others, but have seen a decrease in tonics, although yesterday he had 4! He is still having I.S., and single spasms...they SUCK!
*My husband and I had a wonderful few days together....falling in love all over again is fun....amazing what distance does to the heart...like I said...bittersweet!
So that is it in a nut-shell....more to come this weekend.....
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Hudson Tyler
Our sweet angel!