confessions

I dreaded today

I have a headache from crying and I am tired

my heart has a gaping hole and I feel so empty 

I hate how this life of ours is so extreme

2 months non-stop family time, family fun...

and then today it all comes to a crashing halt...

I am angry and lately constantly hear myself saying "this is not fair!"

I am angry with me...
I am angry with God...
yes, I said it...
I have been doing a bit of fist shaking...
I am angry with the world, and my surroundings and circumstances.

I am sure there are others in worse circumstances... somewhere....

BUT
I feel like mine are about as crappy as it gets.

I am not going to sound nice or like a follower of Christ....
but these are my thoughts...I am human and flesh...
not proud of them...they are ugly...but truthful

lately....when I see a healthy baby...holding their head, making eye contact, possibly  a whole 2 years younger than Hudson but waaaay ahead of Hudson....I feel envy, bitterness, anger.....

and lately I have been wondering why I have to be in a long-distant marriage.
Who dreams of getting married and being alone? (to some this might seem ideal..lol)
this is hard on me, the kids, it is an emotional roller coaster...sometimes I just want off!

it irritates me to no end....hearing someone say they can't stand being away from their husband for one more night (as he is on a business trip) as I am away from mine for weeks/months at a time, as I care for our extremely sick child + 2.

I have been thinking about failed friendships and selfish people, and I am sickened over reality of people in my life who used to be my friends and are no longer around...they are happy...I continue suffering without them around....clearly they could care less.

it blows my mind that we are approaching the 3 year month (September) when we were blown away by the news that our son was having seizures and something was seriously wrong with our ideally healthy baby boy.
It seems in those 3 years nothing has changed but bad news and learning about a devastating illness.
Hudson hasn't gained any milestones...none....and it kills me to the core.

I didn't sign up for the package deal...

the "have three kids, one incurably ill and needy, with your husband living in another state" package.

I am angry that this is the cross I have to bare...
who would want this deal?

why do my kids have to start school Wednesday without their daddy dropping them off with me? It will be the first time I do it alone and Hunter already made mention of it...

why do I have to endure all of this illness alone... day after, seizure after seizure?

WHY?
(((fist-shaking)))

and I feel like a total hypocrite...

because I am...

asking for prayer, when I really only want to yell at God for handing me such a rotten deal...

when I myself haven't been falling to my knees at all...
rather a casual conversation here and there
in my head loaded with questions.

feeling like I must be that bad if this is what and how I must live....
catastrophically ill child
long distant marriage
tight finances

finding it hard to be grateful, prayerful, full of praise and worship among all these angry/bitter feelings....

and so I go to all of you to pray on my behalf?

my apologies...I certainly don't deserve your time and prayer when I myself am not doing it.

I will....I must get back on track....

I haven't gone to church in months...
and I do really miss Mars Hill

I haven't opened my bible in months...
but will try and attend a study this fall.

I need to get out of my funk...
but can't alone.

I haven't turned my back on God...
that would make the enemy happy and give satisfaction...

rather I just have to make it through this period
 of adjustment, and I am admitting I am struggling.

I hope my tomorrow's are better...

know for now...

if you see me...

the smile is fake
the laugh is fake

if I could I would burrow my head and wake to a new life....

so for now I will fake it...
while I smile on the outside and cry on the inside.

only a few days home...

We arrived safely back to Gig Harbor, WA on Tuesday. We ended up staying in Portland, Oregon Monday night and had a great dinner at my brothers place and the kids got some good Uncle time.
The road trip home from Portland to Gig Harbor was a very quiet one, with only Hudson with us.
The other 2 road with my brother later that day, which gave me the afternoon to unpack the car and get some things put away once we were home.
Happily, I have accomplished getting all the laundry done and put away, food back in the house, school supplies bought, Hailey a hair cut, dog fluffed and puffed,play dates for Hunter and Hailey with their best friends, doctor appointments made, Hudson a buzz cut, and tonight a crock pot of chili simmering and getting ready to go to the school kick off in a hour.

It's like we never left....

and there really is no place like home...

but along with adjusting to being home and getting things in order after 2 months of vacation...

we will have to prepare our hearts and heads...
because after being a family unit for 2 months...
we will be taking Paul to the airport on Saturday...

I worry...

about him...he keeps telling me the kids and I have each other (which helps make my end easier)...I know it will be unbearable for him to open the door to a home where the kids and I had been the last 2 months...
and now there will only be silence...
and sweet reminders of all we did there...
and trinkets of our summer months together lying around.

My mom is leaving for 2 weeks as well...
I too will be a bit more alone than I usually am when Paul is gone.
I don't mind being alone, I just hate feeling alone...


So please, if you could, keep our family in your prayers...

as we go...

back to the way it was...
back to being apart and on our own.

Just have to say...

What I already knew about my littlest H...

Such an angel...

Today is day 3 of our road trip home (just left Boise, Idaho)...

For now I will say there have been a few hiccups along the way,primarily day 1, i.e. not getting into a hotel until 2 a.m. which was not by choice...

my kids are amazing little people...
if I may brag...
but my littlest H has no understanding of our road trip and the crazy occurrences along the way, and yet...

he sits in his car seat for hours

sleeps quietly and peacefully (even on couch cushion made bed)

still no vomiting

He can't talk, ask questions, he is not capable of understanding surroundings and circumstances...

and yet he goes with the flow...

and if you could see all 3 H's as I type this out on my blackberry...

all 3 are peacefully sound asleep ;)

Blogger Buddy Award

Jen passed this to me,  and so I am to give my readers 7 tidbits about me ...

1. 
   
   I love to cook, and I love it when friends and family love my food. I stink at baking, but I don't think one can be a good cook and baker...2 totally different things!
2. 
   
   I would love more kids...but sadly 3 is it.
3. 
   
   I am a home-body...love a clean house, candles and fire burning, smells of yummy food cooking, decorations up for every holiday...I make a cozy home and love being in it with my family!
4. 
   
   Paul and I were together 9 years before we had our first H
5. 
   
   I am half Polish, half Hungarian
6. 
   
   I fear spiders, hate feeling alone, hurt deeply when my kids hurt, scared of lightning and wind storms, I am a self -confessed worry-wart, my biggest and greatest fear came to fruition 3 years ago...having a sick child.... before Hudson, I always said, "If you have your health you are the richest person in the world" After Hudson..."If you have Jesus, you are the richest person in the world"
7. 
   
   My faith in Jesus is what sees me through the day...I dream of the day I will be before Him and in the presence of a whole Hudson.

(I realize I stuffed more than 7 things about me into 7 statements...go figure, I like to talk!)

So, now I have to choose 2 bloggers to pass this on to....

I think I will pass this to Jeff....I completely admire the few men in this bloggy world, who expose and share their deepest feeling. ( for us gals this is easy, comes natural! :) ) and Jeff is one of those guys you can't help but admire as he shares his struggles and triumphs regarding his son, Dawson and his battle with seizures.

Alicia is the other...she is always so encouraging no matter what she is going through, and I admire her strength and tenacity as she juggles a full house of 4 boys. Her youngest, Gavin, is an amazing little boy with a soul and spirit that runs deep...a fighter just like Hudson.

I look forward to reading a little more about you two! :)