playing xbox with Bob-O
We said goodbye to Bob yesterday.
He was packing up a U-haul as I headed out to run some errands.
After he packed his stuff in the kitchen and I reorganized to my liking, I realized most of the things I had been using were his, and so I needed to get some kitchen basics.
I'll admit...
I was gone for a few hours. I LOVE the simple luxury of going anywhere I want without my kids.
It may sound selfish, but having 3, dealing with car seats, medical stroller, shopping carts, "I wants..."
the simple task of parking my car, getting me and only me out of the car and shutting the door and walking......
bliss...
so I went to a little outdoor shopping center I avoid with my kids...and visited Pottery Barn, Pottery Barn Kids, and William Sonoma. Then over to Pier One, Bed Bath and Beyond and Whole Foods, and then finally to the main destination...Target, where I was to tackle my list.
When I came home I found Paul had cleaned the house, done most of the laundry, and had moved the kids into their bath and bedroom.
The U-haul was gone and so was Bob.
I was surprised to see my husband a bit sad over his leaving. He told me before we got out here, he wanted the house for the family and wanted no renters.
But Paul was clearly shaken up emotionally and Bob's leaving triggered emotional changes to come.
He feels like it is a prelude to us leaving, we are next, and he doesn't know how to be here alone after having us all summer. Bob had moved in the day after Paul got the keys. He has really not lived here alone. We still have over a month left here if things continue to go well, so I am not sure why he is so focused on dealing with all of this now...
I find it a bit ironic...
I just want a bit of me time...alone time...even if it is to go to the store alone.
I have lost me since Hudson.
Before Hudson I had balance. I worked out (me time) I went to bible studies, community group,
I just had so much more freedom.
I had the option of paying a sitter to watch my kids.
I sadly admit...
I am somewhat envious of moms that can just put their kids into childcare at the Y, without a thought...I mourn the old me that could do that...I never thought twice about being so lucky to have that option. I never thought about those moms who didn't have that option because of their sick child.
Now I know it was a luxury.
It is one thing to have a special needs child...it's another to have a seizing child with a compromised immune system. People are afraid of seizures (I don't blame them) and I fear loosing Hudson to simple childhood illnesses. So Hudson is beyond special needs...he is a very sick child, with horrible, scary seizures.
So much change occurred with our littlest H...
and with it I have become lost, and sad...so much more sad than I ever thought one person could feel, and I never, ever thought sadness could last so long, but it has...because of the mourning of broken dreams, fears, and unknowns.
There seems to be a place in my heart where sadness has taken residency and nestled it's way deep down. I wish I didn't know this type of ache.
Yet, I would not give my little warrior up, or change who he is for my sake....
he is perfectly who God intended him to be, and continues to make me grateful for every day I have with him, and grateful to be his mom...I am not worthy to know this deep love that is nestled in my heart, right beside the ache of sadness....however, the love and gratitude far outweighs the sadness.
So I find it so ironic that my husband and I want a piece of what each of us holds.
I want a piece of his freedom...to be Debbie again, and he wants his family-to not feel alone.
I guess it is a matter of balance, and we are both very unbalanced when we are apart...
we come together, and the balance is there.
I do fear Paul being alone here....I wonder if our months together will make it harder for him to stay here alone...I support him however and whenever he needs or wants to come home for good. He knows that.
Now that Bob is gone we will be expecting visitors as well.
Paul's cousin will be staying on the strip with friends next weekend but coming over to BBQ, then Paul's Uncle is suppose to come here the following weekend. My brother will come towards the end of this month and my mom and Katelyn will come the first week of August. Paul's other cousin and her family will be up at the end of the month as well.
I am hoping at some point Paul and I can get away for a few hours alone. We have had no alone time at all. Again, if we had the luxury of just paying a sitter we would...but obviously we can't.
Hudson continues to do pretty well. Some bad seizure days and some good.
His whites of his eyes are really red on the outside corners. I am not sure why. There is no secretions from his eyes indicating infection. He isn't bothered by it, so I am assuming it is the sun and dry heat? Who knows.
I have been dealing with a horrible rash. It started on my arms and then on my legs. For the most part my arms cleared up, but my legs still have it and it itches. So I have been avoiding the sun and laying out, but today I think I will soak up some pool time with the kids.
Tomorrow I am going to take the kids bowling...free bowling for kids on Tuesday's at the Suncoast casino. Should be fun for them.
It is suppose to be 110 this week, so we definitely have to find some indoor activities.
That is it for now...
please continue to pray for the health of Hudson while we are here.
