Bringing a mom to tears

That's exactly what I did the other day....
and she's not the first.
I work in a Mom's Morning Out program at a local church. We have a group of regulars that sign up for the quarter, and then we have drop in's too. We get many toddlers all the way through school age (typically home schoolers)
Our "regulars" over time, get to know us caretakers...some mom's drop and dash, others stick around and we start talking and well......watch out! 
Anyways, this week, one of our regular moms, who drops her 2 year old son and 4 year old daughter, started shooting the breeze with me. Somehow we got on the subject at what a horrible system we have here in WA, for those who need state help, and just the whole system in general...unemployment, DSHS, help for special needs,etc.
Well I couldn't help but inform her of how we get NO help from the state. Middle class is the worst class when your in our shoes. She was shocked I get no medicaid, nursing, no help with medical equipment, etc. 


The conversation got deep when she asked specifically what is wrong with Hudson. I got the typical response, "I have never heard of mitochondrial disease, what is it?" After the explaining what it is and how it effects my son, she asked the next typical question..."How do you treat it, what is the prognosis?"
In the beginning of this journey,I couldn't even say the word infantile spasm, or seizure without breaking down into full on tears, to the point I couldn't form words and speak, it was just too upsetting. As time went on, I found myself being able to explain mito, and how it effects Hudson, but when I would get to the devastation of this disease, and the fact there is no cure, and all of the unknown, the tears would flow uncontrollably.
With this mom, I went through the whole gig, explained it all....and as I told her where I am at with it all....
when I told her my faith in God is the only reason I can talk about it, that my faith that Hudson's illness and life has greater purpose than we can ever even imagine, when I explained that my little boy is teaching life lessons through his small, frail broken body....unimaginable lessons, how brave and strong he is that is only God given, and how I feel that he is a living angel in my life...how I cherish and praise God for every day I am given with him, and finally I believe that if his healing does not come to him on this side of heaven, I know we will be holding hands, running and laughing, on the other side...one day I will see him whole. 
This time....I had tears welled up, but my cheeks were dry....
but.... as I looked at her....the tears were flowing uncontrollably. She said what I have been through would be her worst nightmare, that she thinks there  are many out there that wouldn't see Hudson the way I see Hudson...they would only see his brokenness, his imperfections, his illness....I think she understood my coping and peace, comes from God, not from my ability to understand how and why. She told me she had 5 miscarriages before her 3 kids. I can sympathize, but I have never lost an unborn baby, I don't know that pain. I don't know how that feels to want something so bad, and have a little life die inside you, time after time. I don't know what it is to walk in those shoes.

....if you are not in my shoes, you can't possibly understand how you get to a place where your baby seizing endlessly year after year, day after day, hour after hour....becomes normal. You can't imagine how you can be told your child has an incurable disease and after that there is a day you will find joy again.
I am not saying my heart doesn't ache for Hudson on a daily basis...it does.
I am not saying I will ever be comfortable with the future...it terrifies me.
I am not saying I will ever be at a place where I will be prepared to loose Hudson...it seems unbearable.
What I am saying..
is that somehow time is healing. You cry less. You worry less. You don't try to be predictor of the future. You can't possibly prepare for the worst....instead you enjoy and cherish what you are given today....the time, the love, the snuggles...all those priceless things you don't ever want to loose sight of.
Having my sick child has brought more tears that I ever imagined I could cry.
My tears fall on the inside as well as the outside. It seems I am getting good at internally crying and I find others crying for me and Hudson. 

It's o.k.....I think if i was mother to 3 healthy kids and met Hudson and I, I think I would cry for them too.